Research in social sciences coined the term “miswanting”:

“Miswanting” refers to the phenomenon of desiring or pursuing things that do not contribute to long-term happiness or well-being. It implies a disconnection between what an individual believes will make them happy and what truly brings satisfaction.

The idea of miswanting is that we are convinced we know what we want, but once we obtain it, it does not bring happiness.

For example, an experiment was conducted where a group of people was offered 20 dollars with the option to spend it on themselves or on someone else. Before choosing one of the two options, participants had to predict which option would make them happier. The result was that most chose to spend it on themselves, but these same people reported the least happiness after a week. However, those who decided to spend it on others, even without predicting that this would make them happier, were the ones who reported feeling happier after a week.

It doesn’t sound very intuitive. We usually think that we know exactly what we want. That we just need to trust what our heart tells us. Follow our dreams. However, this is a point where both social sciences and A Course in Miracles agree: what we think we want is not what will make us happy.

The true reason why we do not find happiness in our possessions is not because we possess the wrong things or because we have too many or too few possessions. The reason is that possessing increases our sense of separation. This idea may surprise you, but we can look at it this way.

When you possess something, who else possesses it with you? Only you, at most your closest family. Possessions intensify the feeling of being an isolated self, separate from the rest of the world.

When you have something that few people have, don’t you feel special or superior? Have you ever felt the need to hide or downplay the things you have to avoid causing envy in others? Or on the contrary, have you ever used your possessions to present yourself as special and cause envy?

When you possess something, where is the light of God? Having your attention focused on the things of this world is equivalent to closing your eyes to the light that God wants to give you. That is the light that unites us with Him and with all. Possessions are truly a way of dimming ourselves.

When you want to possess something or have to work to maintain it, you are distracting yourself from seeing that what you want to possess has no value. This distraction is a form of separation because it prevents you from seeing reality.

When you enjoy a possession, which can be material or simply a pleasurable experience, isn’t the body the target of this enjoyment? The body, as we saw before, is the symbol of the separation from God. By treating the body as an end, we are reinforcing the barrier that separates us from the rest of the universe.

In general, the sense of separation and isolation that possessions cause is hidden in the unconscious. If we paid attention to what we feel, we would realize it immediately. However, the very idea of having possessions is a defense against the process of looking within and realizing that it is making us miserable.

In the movie “Into the Wild,” there is also a good example of this. It is a movie based on a true story of a man who abandons everything he has and becomes a wanderer. His dream: to live free in the wild nature of Alaska. While in Alaska, due to an accident, he ends up dying alone and in the middle of nowhere. In a diary found next to his body, he wrote his last words: “Happiness is only real when shared.” This person embarked on the journey of his dreams, only to realize that happiness was with the people he had left behind. His most precious “possession” was freedom from his body, being free from the ties of others, but his sense of isolation ended up making him die in regret.

I have had clear glimpses of that same truth. On many occasions, in the middle of a vacation in a place I was supposed to be enjoying, I have noticed that joy was absent. Despite being in a spectacular place, drinking cocktails by the sea, the happiness I had imagined having while doing that was absent. The sense of separation settled in despite nothing external in my life going wrong.

The idea that we are desiring something that is not what we want is what the Course calls it an “alien will.” This alien will, the will of the ego, is what keeps us in a state of dissatisfaction. This is explained in Lesson 339:

Everyone will receive what he requests, but he can be confused indeed about the things he wants; the state he would attain. What can he then request that he would want when he receives it? (CE W-339.1:3-4)

The Course calls it “alien will” because, although it may seem like your will, it is not truly what you want. Your true will is the will of God. It is an idea that seems hard to accept.

In this world many of us think that:

  • The world doesn’t let us do what we want
  • God asks us to fight against what we desire
  • What the Holy Spirit recommends is His plan and not what we truly want

Nothing could be further from the truth. Our true will resides in Heaven and is shared with God. The Course aims to free your true will, not restrict it. When we think God is recommending something we don’t want, we are actually fighting against what we genuinely want. We are convinced that the “alien will” is our own.

We hold a grudge against God because we believe He is behind the feeling that our will is not free. If we could forgive God for this insane belief we harbor and recognize that He has always been on our side, we would unlock our true will in this world. This would translate into desiring and pursuing what would truly make us happy.

We need to forgive God. Your free will depends on it:

But you will not forgive the world until you have forgiven Him Who gave your will to you, for it is by your will the world is given freedom. (CE T-30.II.5:2)

All God asks is that we see Him as a friend:

God is no enemy to you. He asks no more than that He hear you call Him “Friend.” (CE T-30.II.1:10-11)

Practice

In the Morning

We will dedicate 15 minutes this morning to the following exercise. You will need the desire list you created in the previous lesson. Follow these steps:

  1. Close your eyes and prepare to quiet your mind. You can use the technique of being alert with all five senses at the same time.
  2. Say with determination: “I am ready to know my true will.” Say it slowly, with the certainty that your mind will receive the message and begin to work toward this goal.
  3. Review the desire list. Offer each desire to God, as if placing them on His altar, saying:

I believe I want _______, but I suspect it is a miswant. Show me, Father, what will truly make me happy.

Imagine that God receives the gifts you offer, and He returns to you in the form of a loving light what you truly need. Trust that this light will take shape in your life in a way you can understand and appreciate.

During the Day

We will continue our practice of responding to temptation today, with the aim of starting to open our minds to the idea that you do not know what you truly want. It is crucial that we accept this fact, for otherwise, we will not accept God’s help willingly. God knows what you truly want and need, but as long as you remain in a struggle of wills with Him, you will think that the desires you have now are what will make you happy.

So, throughout the day, watch your mind for any loss of peace, no matter how small. What is a loss of peace but a tantrum about not getting the things you want and the way you want them? Immediately remind yourself that you do not know what is best for you, but there is someone walking beside you who does:

I believe I am upset because I want _______ and don’t have it. But I am confused about what will make me happy. What is my true will in this, Father?

For example, if you feel upset because a debt hasn’t been paid, because your work is unappreciated, or because you wish you were doing another type of job, say:

I believe I am upset because I want to be paid what I’m owed and haven’t been. But I am confused about what will make me happy. What is my true will in this, Father?

Repeat these words very slowly, and pause at the end to allow God to remind you of what you truly desire. Do this until you feel an internal shift, even if it’s small.

You might be tempted not to repeat the phrase because you think God will want the opposite of what you want, and therefore you will be unhappy. If this thought arises, correct it by saying:

God is not my enemy. He only wants to hear me call Him “Friend.”

With the help of your phone’s timer, remind yourself every 20 minutes with the following phrase:

God’s will for me is my perfect happiness.